Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
