I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
