So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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