Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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