goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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