I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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