When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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