I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
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I wish they made helmets for livers.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
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My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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