Ambien. No doubt about it.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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