I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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