I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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