Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
