Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
