highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
