he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
