I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
