I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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