I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
