My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
