If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
