There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
