good thing vaginas are great cup holders
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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