After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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