I'm lost and stupid without you.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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