I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
