I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
