I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
