I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
