guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
