New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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