I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
