i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
