I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Randomize
