If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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