He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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