She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Be still, my beating vagina.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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