i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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