I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
