I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
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She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
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Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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