You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
