dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
