I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
