I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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