sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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