I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
