I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
