I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
