I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
