By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
