I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
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I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
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We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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