somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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