The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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