do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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