sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
